Julie Bashore is a close friend of mine. Julie and I met after Focus on the Family published my article, A Friend Loves At All Times. From time to time we have the privilege of speaking together…much like Jonica and Stacie in Rain Dance. I trust her with my heart…and yours.

Julie’s healing reveals a heart of regret transformed by the Redeemer.

My decision to abort was made a long time before I became pregnant at age 23. I was someone who did not desire to be married or have children. The picture of marriage I saw in my parents was not one I desired for myself. I wanted to be single, free and in control of my destiny.

I was living a promiscuous lifestyle and decided that if I did become pregnant, I would have an abortion. I was against birth control and, due to an eating disorder, I had a very erratic monthly cycle so abortion was my backup plan in case it happened.

The biggest thing to me was being in control of everything…including what happened to my body. I also believed strongly that this was an okay choice for a woman and it belonged to no one except me.

As a writer I used my experiences in my writing, so I thought if I did ever have an abortion, it would make a great story, and I would be able to give the experience a realistic treatment.

Because I’d thought out all of these scenarios beforehand, when I did actually hear the words “You’re pregnant,.” from a nurse at a walk-in clinic in the a mall, the shock of her words was immediately absorbed by my plan; I knew what I was going to do and I forged ahead.

Initially I was relieved, but I started to regret my choice about a week after I had the abortion. After my physical recovery, I was driving home to visit my parents and was overcome with grief. I had to pull the car over because I was crying so hard I couldn’t see to drive. I hated myself and felt like a loser.

The guy who had gone through this whole experience with me could have cared less about it, he just kept doing the same things to me and I let him.

Like most women who have had an abortion, I quickly was able to cover the truth with lies, to my parents, friends, co-workers, etc. I was almost horrified that I had actually done something like that, but more horrified at the way it made me feel about myself.

I hated my job. I decided my work was the reason I was sad, knowing deep in my heart that it wasn’t the truth. I knew I hated myself and my life and didn’t know how to get out of the pit I had created.

I threw myself into a job search shortly thereafter and moved away from the area where this all happened. Starting over meant I could lock up the secret and throw away the key and no one would ever know about it. I was able to do this pretty well for a number of years. I made new friends and had new boyfriends that didn’t know about my secret.

For many years I told people I was pro-choice but, I didn’t tell them why. I still believed it was okay for a woman to do, although I was too ashamed to tell people I had done it.

This all started changing after I was married and became pregnant with my first child.

The nightmares started and, the reality of what I had done started hitting me like a ton of bricks. The question, “Why do you want this baby when you do easily destroyed your first one?” haunted me.

I was convinced my child would be deformed because I thought God was going to punish me for what I had done. I would turn off televisions and radio shows that mentioned abortion, look away from billboards, and my stomach would churn if the subject came up in conversation, mostly hearing people say…”I don’t know how anyone can do that.”

The reactions I was having are typical for women who are suffering from Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS), although I didn’t know that at the time. I just thought I was someone that was going crazy.

Physically, the immediate effects of an abortion can include: pain, excessive bleeding, infection, parts of the baby left inside, shock/coma, and the later effects can include sterility, miscarriage/stillbirth, tubal pregnancy, pelvic inflammatory disease and breast cancer.

Emotionally, the most common effects are guilt and shame, intense desire to become pregnant again, depression, crying, intense grief, anger/rage, self-hatred, emotional numbness, low self-esteem, nightmares, anorexia or other eating disorders, drug or alcohol abuse, and suicidal urges.

My struggle with PASS grew worse after my husband and I become Christians when our first child was 10 months old. God used her in a great way to draw me to Himself.

We attended church and even with my new relationship with Jesus, I would not or could not lay this sin at the cross. I was focused on being a good Christian woman and mom and completely starting over, forgetting my past. I was trying to forget things on my own that Jesus died on the cross for - I just wouldn’t let Him take it.

While I was desperately trying to hold all of this together, a couple of things happened that led me to seek healing for my abortion. The first thing was I realized that my anger controlled me. I was unable to resolve conflict with my husband and would run away slamming doors the whole way. When I threw a baby bottle at him and hit him in the face with it, I knew I was out of control. It was like looking at yourself on a television and saying, “Who is that?”” I crumpled onto the floor crying because I was scared that I could actually do something like that. I knew that I needed to find someone to help and only did it because I didn’t want to hurt him any more or our children.

I sought help from a counselor who was the first person to tell me that God could use my abortion. I strongly disagreed with him. At this time, I had no idea this had anything to do with abortion, I was at war inside with myself and I thought the abortion was just an unfortunate happening.

A few years after this episode, I decided to volunteer at the local crisis pregnancy center to help others, or to prevent them from having an abortion. The problem was, I was not healed myself, so when they put me on the telephone hotline and people would call me asking where they could get an abortion, I froze, my jaw tightened and I could not speak. I still could barely utter the word abortion.

I hated this job and felt like it was a sentence from God for what I had done. Eventually, through volunteer job, the Lord showed me that I needed to stop and take time to heal from the abortion itself.

My healing has two parts. The first was in a small group sponsored by the crisis pregnancy center where I was a volunteer. The second was through a bible study called Binding Up the Broken Hearted, published by Healing Hearts Ministries. The Lord led me to this Bible study, knowing how depressed and heartbroken I still was over my abortion.

Healing from this sin has been the most miraculous, amazing, journey in my life. I literally went from living in a prison for 14 years to complete freedom in one year.

When I started healing, I described myself as an apple that looked really good on the outside, but had a huge gross spot eaten out by a worm on the inside. I no longer see myself like that. I am someone who is covered by the blood of Jesus. He is my Savior, the Author and Redeemer of my life.

I have seen thick dense walls between my Lord and I crumble as I spent time studying who He is and what He did for me and learning that He understands everything I ever went through. I found that I could come to Him, even with this particular sin.

I am able to see how God’s Word and His Grace applies to everything I need to deal with in life, including my marriage and parenting. I truly believe that the Lord not only set me free from my abortion through this study, but the healing He included the ability to forgive my parents and ushered in a season where He called me to care for them in times when they suffered great physical need.

As my heart healed, God also led me to become part of Healing Hearts Ministries.

Healing Hearts Ministries uses trained volunteers who are post-abortive to counsel men and women with God’s Word, who have suffered from the effects of an abortion. This ministry opens the door for those in this situation to experience a lifetime of healing and a growing relationship with Jesus Christ.

These studies are done in small groups, one-on-one, or via our interactive website www. healinghearts.org.

Healing Hearts Ministries:

There are two things that make Healing Hearts Ministries stand out from the rest. First and foremost, we believe that the God Who made us is the only One who is able to fix us, and that the only true healing is found in the Word of God. All of us who are now involved in Healing Hearts tried many different avenues of healing and none of them had lasting effects. It wasn't until we turned completely to God that we found peace and restoration for our souls and were set free. The second thing that makes our ministry successful is that all of our counselors were once Healing Hearts clients. They understand the pain and torment that you are going through because they have been there. They were once hurting people who have been set free from the pain of their past and now volunteer their time so that others may experience that same freedom.

Julie’s email: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

www.healinghearts.org